The knight, the human, Sielje's life

[stupidhonor]

[It's over. Ishin is slain, his true nature revealed. Ankaia lies in ruins, many of its artifacts lost. It will not be able to sustain itself much longer - but Ynya and Kimhone promised to lead it to restoration, through cooperation with Earth, and wisdom: knowing whom they can trust, and who to avoid. But...]

I broke everyone's trust. I withheld things of importance. I was no Burned Out. Everyone assumed it but I never corrected them. And... I raised my hand against them. Such gratefulness.

[Sielje speaks to herself as she tries to sneak out from the base. She doesn't know where to go - but she cannot stay here.]

How can I face them anymore? After all I did? My... friends?


...


...

[Her steps cease.]


...

I... cannot.

I cannot disappear from everyone's lives. And I... definitely cannot forget. Even if it means facing them, and pain. I will not.

I am so stupid.

[She turns around and moves back - to the base, and to face the rest of her life, starting today.]

Comments

[empress_without_a_throne]

Welcome back.

[Regardless of whether Mizuki's meaning Sielje's fight in Brussels or her attempt of leaving, she smiling at Sielje when the knight returns.]

[stupidhonor]

Umm. Yes.

[Sielje is both too embarassed and not Japanese enough for an "I'm home". Besides, she isn't.]

After all I did... I assume you have much to tell me. The words may be harsh but I will listen.

[empress_without_a_throne]

Thank you, but I'll need to hear something before I say my piece.

When you were out there, fighting your hardest against your friends... you were still hoping that you would lose, weren't you?

[stupidhonor]

I did...

Any warrior would laugh at me hearing that. It is disgraceful but I will not lie or hide it. I fought my best, but I hoped - I hoped victory to evade my grasp.

[empress_without_a_throne]

Not many warriors end up walking the same path you did. And Ankaia does things differently than Earth. Without the moot and your defeat... maybe these calls for peace wouldn't have been accepted.

More importantly... I think you are selling yourself, as a soldier and as a person, short. Far too short.

[in_over_his_head]

You know... I always thought monologues were my thing.

[Calvin gives the knight a small grin.]

Glad to see you made the right choice.

[stupidhonor]

I did not have a choice to make. I did not - you did.

[in_over_his_head]

Well that's one way of looking at it.

So what's next for the Guard of the South? I'm guessing you have some kind of idea for what you want for yourself.

[stupidhonor]

What do I want for myself?

I... do not know...

I never considered this. For many years I just lived. I was not happy with it but I felt like I had no power to do anything about it.

[actuallyselfish]

"Don't say that," Dido says, catching up and keeping pace with Sieljie. "You're plenty smart, Sieljie!"

Dido wrinkles her nose. "Frankly, I think the code of honor you follow is what's dumb. If it forces you to follow the will of people you don't like, and pushes you into actions that make you unhappy...what's the point of having honor?"

[stupidhonor]

... No. I am sorry Dido, but you are wrong.

Honor is important. If you gave your word, made a vow - but then decided to simply abandon it, because you do not like it. What does that make of you?

[actuallyselfish]

Dido frowns. "Someone who follows their heart, I guess?" She mumbles. "I mean, can't you keep your word to people because you want to, because their welfare matters to you?"

[stupidhonor]

It is the same on Earth, is it not? You have laws. Some will bend or break them, but they need to be followed. Society would crumble if no one did.

But...


It does not mean your own wishes and desires are meaningless. Only when the two come in conflict...

[lostamigo]

You haven't changed at all, huh? Always struggling between what you want to do, and what you think you should do. Since day one.

I'm glad this isn't a goodbye, Sielje.

[stupidhonor]

It is not that I always have a choice...

But, I want to stay. If it is alright, and if I can be forgiven, then I wish to help you more.

[lostamigo]

Forgiven for what? Deceiving everyone? Making us fight you?

[stupidhonor]

[Nod nod.]

[majestic_keiki]

Why should you disappear? You risked everything to save both Earth and Ankaia. [A Kei pops up as Sielje tries to sneak away.]

[stupidhonor]

Ahh! Y-you are good at sneaking around...

[Sielje coughs.]

Yes, but I am not the only one who did. I am however the only one who turned her blade on you.

[majestic_keiki]

You were trying to put Lord Moswar's views to rest and fulfill your obligation, nobody blames you for that.

[stupidhonor]

You may say that, yes...

Swearing to support Lord Moswar's cause may have been a mistake. It was years ago... but time matters not.

[a_monetized_mind]

[And when she turns back-Jen is there.]

...You know, you had me worried I'd have to run out after you for a second there.

[stupidhonor]

Ah!

[Sielje takes a step back in surprise.]

You were right after me?

... I always worry everyone. Is it not so? You must find things I do weird and unusual...

[a_monetized_mind]

That again? Yeah, you do-but mostly because I worry what you'll do to yourself, not to me. You're always doing that no self-confidence thing, getting upset about upsetting your friends when they want to help and stuff.

...I was gonna tackle you if you made it more than about a block away, you know.

[stupidhonor]

I am sorry, Jen. Ah! I am doing it again.

This is who I am. It is embarassing, but it is also the truth. But, considering all that happened...

I think things turned out not as bad as they could have had. I also realize leaving, on foot, without any prior planning, may have been a bad idea.