A burned out failure

[stupidhonor]

...

...

By popular decision of the Lords, Ankaia will wage war on Earth. Ishin will be first in line, no doubt using his extraordinary might for great effect.

[Sielje is a mess. She sits with her head lowered, not bothering to change from her fancy dress - now torn and dusty from the fight.]

And it is all my fault.


If only... I was strong enough to face and defeat him...

If... only... I was stronger...!

[Her eyes are full of tears and you can hear pretty undignified sniffing.]

Comments

[majestic_keiki]

[Sielje's moment is not quite interrupted, but at least slightly disturbed by a Rabbit quietly putting down a cup of tea next to her. Other than this movement, Kei tries to stay close enough to offer her company without forcing it on the knight.]

[stupidhonor]

[Sielje's gaze is low even as she grabs for the cup. She says nothing for a while but eventually...]

I was complacent. I grew naive, and weak.

[majestic_keiki]

[With her presence accepted, Kei moves to sit next to Sielje as well.]

Believing in others isn't weakness. Enough of the people I've had to fight here have believed it is to tell me that. If they let you down, then it's their fault, not your.

[stupidhonor]

Only a child believes everyone to be fair. Some will hurt you. Some have hurt me.

Even so! Even if I trusted everyone, it would not be bad. If only I did everything I could, to be stronger. To not lose to Ishin so pathetically!

[majestic_keiki]

[Kei's voice comes out very quietly.]

What happened is Ishin's fault, not your. He was the one choosing to use the chaos to declare war.

[There's a long pause.] But I know how it feels...I've seen friends die in battle while I was there. While I was supposed to manage the battle to keep everyone safe. I know the feeling of failure, the thought that you could have done something more. Maybe you could, with more knowledge and preparation, I don't know enough about Ankaia to tell.

But people can't prepare for everything or know everything. Sometimes you're in the wrong place or somebody finds an opening to exploit, no matter how strong it is. All we can do is to do our best, try to improve and take pride in what we did do.

[stupidhonor]

It is the same as ten years ago... I thought I grew. But I am just as helpless...

[majestic_keiki]

[That makes Kei pause for a long time. How did you properly reply to that when you knew bits and pieces of the incident in question?]

I don't know what happened ten years ago, but I know you. I've seen your courage in protecting people and your dedication to both your honor and peace between our planets. And you're not alone, you don't have to go out to fight without help from others.

[stupidhonor]

I felt powerless. You said it yourself, you know how that feels. You saw your treasured friends die.

It is selfish...

[Sielje takes a sip of the tea, possibly to console herself.]

It is selfish of me, but I wanted only to avoid feeling like this.

[majestic_keiki]

I know...Nothing is worse than feeling powerless, even if it isn't your fault. That it wasn't your fault, that there was nothing you could have done to avert it only makes it worse. If it was your fault, you could at least do something, get a feeling of control.

But even if you lost the duel, you did achieve something. You showed there are people willing to stand up to Ishin. And you've managed to convince all of us to support you in talking to the governments of Earth so we can stop the war before it devastates either side.

[stupidhonor]

Did I? Would you not have done it regardless?

...

I know not if I can talk to anyone else, to search for allies or resolution. This is not what I am good at.

[majestic_keiki]

We wouldn't have known if you weren't here and we wouldn't have had anybody who could talk to other Ankaians like you can. All we would have seen was another group of aliens invading our planet and all the people of Ankaia would have seen was another group of honorless earthlings fighting their knights. We couldn't be one of their own standing up to Ishin either or speak for Ankaia with the governments of Earth.

[stupidhonor]

Oh. So you speak of my actions from the beginning of my visit to Earth. The whole that resulted from that point, onward...

[majestic_keiki]

Yes. But your actions at the moot still achieved something. They showed everyone where you stand and somebody daring to stand against Ishin, even when it looked like he was the only high lord left.

[stupidhonor]

[Sielje takes a deep breath and releases it with a sigh.]

Ynya and Kimhone... they were almost able to prevent it.

Almost...

[majestic_keiki]

Yes. Which is why Ishin changed his approach when he saw that they were still alive, to make it a war of survival instead of honor. I'm not sure anything could have stopped him by that point, he would simply adapt his plans until the lords were goaded into war.

But everyone who stood against him can help Ankaians who disagree find inspiration and convince the people of Earth that not all Ankaians are enemies.

[stupidhonor]

How many will disagree with him? I hope there will be some, but... so many Lords supported Ishin, and the moot had all of them be present.

Kimhone, Ynya, you remained on my home land. What will you be able to do?

[majestic_keiki]

I don't know what they can do, we will simply have to trust them and focus on Earth and its response.

[stupidhonor]

Trust. Yes...

[The return of a difficult expression. Who knows what Sielje is thinking of now.]

[majestic_keiki]

[That shuts Kei up pretty effectively. There was something there, but who knew what. Instead she just sits there quietly and more than a bit awkwardly.]

[stupidhonor]

Ah! You should not worry... Ynya and Kimhone have best interests of Ankaia in their hearts, and know war with Earth is not it.

[majestic_keiki]

Right. And they're strong, which counts for a lot on Ankaia.

[She fell silent again, wishing she'd brought a cup of tea for herself as well.]

You just seemed a bit uncertain before.

[stupidhonor]

Uncertain? No, no. I do not doubt their intents. And indeed, they are strong...

[majestic_keiki]

But something is still wrong?

[stupidhonor]

[Sielje shakes her head slightly.]

No, they did nothing wrong.

[majestic_keiki]

I didn't mean they did...