You are not amused...?

[mistaken_for_monster]

[1]
[Well with Christmas coming its going to look like Volya's got plenty of time off from school. He's going to have a chance to hang around with the Student's Comparative Defensive Theology Study Group outside of a schooltime environment and possibly have some fun. Yet when he comes back from classes he seems a little disbelieving before he walks up to you.]

I know you're probably busy but... could you help me and my friends out? The Home Ecc. Teacher and the Baking Club dragged us into the School's Christmas Time Competitive Bake Sale since the people who usually help them went off early for the holidays...

[He shuffles anxiously in place.]

[2] [The Bake Sale] [Mingle Post...?]
[Well things went smoothly at Volya's school. The bake sale proceeded as planned. Food was sold, a good time to be had by all. Cheerful faces of parent, teacher and child. Buuuut... all good things have to come to an end. As the event came to a close and even after the food that was set aside for donation was sent off... there was still quite a lot left over... which led to...]

"FOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!"

[Within moments all sorts of pastries were flying across the air. Nobody is sure who threw the first cake/pie/what have you. But all that can me acknowledged is the complete and utter chaos the schoolyard had become. Not even the teachers or even the principal were spared from the baked warfare happening right now! And it certainly goes without saying that the volunteers and idling visitors would be drawn in as well.]

[ARE YOU READY FOR BAKED WARFARE?]

[3]
[Covered with powdered sugar, jams, chocolate and who knows what other confections Volya slowly dragged himself through Sakihama in a trail of exhaustion. He then took a moment to look up at Interitus who was trying to get his attention.]

What.

[Volya rubs his eyes. Slowly.]

Does.... does anyone else see this...?

[Interitus was sitting happily in the hangar, wrapped in tinsel and having all sorts of ornaments and candy canes hanging off of her. Somehow pasted on her snout was a shiny golden star usually saved for the top of a christmas tree.]

"Thhbthhhhht!"

[Comment on this insanity before you?]

Comments

1

[star_of_sad]

So you're going to need help with - baking cakes? Right?

Wait, wait a second Volya. Competetive bake sale?

[mistaken_for_monster]

Yes we need help baking and yes its a competition...

[Volya sighs.]

The teachers thought it would make everyone a bit more enthusiastic to get into things if we were working towards a prize as well as helping people...

[star_of_sad]

And you are allowed to bring help from the outside?

[mistaken_for_monster]

They didn't say it wasn't allowed.

[Volya shrugged weakly.]

Misaki was the one who looked up the rules for the bake sale. Taro and Jiro wouldn't let her live it down that she found us a loophole to use since she's so by the book most of the time.

[star_of_sad]

It sounds like your friends are taking this really seriously.

Maybe even a bit too seriously?

[mistaken_for_monster]

Maybe... but I don't want to let them down though. They really looked like taking part was going to mean a lot to them.

[star_of_sad]

It should be fun, right? There's no need to worry about it too much, and I'm pretty sure a lot of people will love to help you. For example there's...

[A flashback to Kei's cooking.]

Umm. Let's try my hand out at making sweets, okay?

[mistaken_for_monster]

Maybe we can learn together? I know that Uncle would've be happy I finally learned to do something we both had trouble with.

[Volya had a small wistful smile, yes he still missed his Uncle... but he had to move on some time right? Besides he was sure the man would have been proud of him finally overcoming the hurdle that had tormented them during his life back in Russia. Cooking.]

[star_of_sad]

Alright. Let's try something simple first, like a mug cake. They should be easy to make, and I can taste-test to make sure they are good, too!

[mistaken_for_monster]

Mug Cake? What's mug cake?

[Volya looked a little confused. He does not comprehend the idea of what a mug cake is.]

[star_of_sad]

It's a cake you can bake in a mug, just put cake mix in it and put it in an oven, or even a microwave.

The mix is made from, umm, batter and...

[This is getting complicated, and Setsuko doesn't remember too well herself.]

[mistaken_for_monster]

... Should we check the internet?

[Thank whatever deity is currently taking care of everything that the Internet is still around. If it was some kind of post apocalyptic wasteland surely things would be terrible!]

[star_of_sad]

Ah, yes, good idea.

In fact, do you remember the Chimera? Mr Lowen told me, apparently they are responsible for maintaining parts of the network themselves.

Not the parts with cakes though, I don't think.

3

[actuallyselfish]

"..." Dido stares for moment.

"It's a Christmas Miracle?" She inquires at last.

[mistaken_for_monster]

... This is a miracle?

[Volya's giving Dido an incredulous look.]

[actuallyselfish]

"Well..." Dido clarifies. "Getting a christmas tree big enough to take up a large chunk of the hanger was nigh impossible. But psyche! We had a tree of good will and cheer with us all along!"

She glances at Interitus's...gaudiness. "Um...yo, Interitus! Nice bit of holiday spirit you're showing! Do you need a blanket wound around your bottom or something?"

[mistaken_for_monster]

... I have no idea how to even react to that. Will people actually leave their presents with her-

[He blinks.]

Actually that'd mean no one would try to peek since it'd mean she'd know... huh.



"Thhhbthhhht. Thhhbtht. Thhhbtthhht."

[The plant beast waves happily at Dido, attempting to wish her a Merry Christmas. She ponders the blanket question before she nods excitedly. She then points at Volya.]

"Thhhbthhht."

[She wants her partner to have one as well, she wouldn't feel right about it otherwise.]

...Wha-? 'Teritus... No its alright. She doesn't have to make me one as well!

[This earned a confused whine from the plant creature.]

Don't want to be greedy about it... I mean you're getting a big one right? We could just share.

[actuallyselfish]

"Well," Dido muses. "I still have some leftover fabric from that Scarf-weaving project...I could get something for Interitus's base and cut off a slice of it for you! How's that sound!"

"Ooh!" She exclaims, holding a finger up. "We should take pictures of you guys in poses!"

[mistaken_for_monster]

... I'd rather not... I'm not so good with photos...

[Volya seems to shy away a little.]

'm happy with anything.

[actuallyselfish]

"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Dido urges. "First things first, I'll go get blanket material."

Which she does. Dragging a huge bundle of blue parachute cloth in on a cart. "I've also got some material for you, Volya." She adds, fishing out some smaller patches colored blue, red, whtie, green, and orange. "Anything catch your eye?"

[mistaken_for_monster]

...

[He glances over the colors before settling on...]

Could I have a green one?

[actuallyselfish]

"Sure thing, Linus!" Dido chortles, taking a green blanket and settling it around Volya's shoulder. "You many wanna put that through a washing machine to get rid of the preservative chemicals. But first..."

She pulls out her tablet and toggles the camera function. "Strike a silly pose and say 'cheese'!"

[mistaken_for_monster]

....

[Volya sighs and does what can be attributed to a silly pose - except not because no fun. Then Interitus nudges him, sending him flailing around just as Dido takes the photo. The plant monster catches her partner before he hits the ground and lets out a noise that can be likened to a chuckle.]

Not funny.

2

[booty_chaser]

[In the crossfire, Volya is probably going to find at some point a pretty big pie heading straight for his face. This could have ended in a Creamality right there-

-except suddenly there's someone doing a horizontal flying dive from offscreen right in front of him, a hand soft-grabbing the pie and then spinning herself horizontally with the momentum to redirect it without it shattering. And so when the momentum has been completely redirected it's let go straight back to sender, catching one of the last years in the middle of the nose.

And then Ashe finishes her spin and lands on one knee, grinning the biggest shit eating grin before getting up slowly, looking at the probably surprised assailants, and adopting a certain pose]

So, anyone else want a piece of us? Bring it on.

[Reinforcements:
Volya's Side: Ashe x1]

[mistaken_for_monster]

[Well Ashe, it looks like the kendo club has taken you up on your offer, as they are armed with a wide variety of sticky pastries that are sure to cause laundry bills! They are playing for keeps!]

"I see you have returned to the hallowed ground that is our school! However in these circumstances there will be no quarter! Have at you!"

[The entire Kendo Club lets out a simultaneois kiai as they barrage Ashe with an assortment of deliciously messy sweets! Her appearance just raised the stakes higher as the food fight redoubles in strength. Volya takes cover behind an upturned table before quickly handing Ashe a somewhat messy - if large cake.]

[booty_chaser]

[Ashe dives to the side, taking cover behind one of the tables and grinning like Christmas just came early. This is going to be fun. It seems, though, that the constant barrage that comes from the mass of kendokas has her on the defensive-

-at least until she rolljumps back near Volya's position, takes the given ammunition, stretches a hand for a nearby stall, and grabs the canvas above it, whipping it in front of her like a duelist's cape to intercept a particularly nasty barrage of cream bagels coming in, and using the moment the kendokas spend surprised to spin on herself and throw Voya's cake like a cannonball - right into the kendo club president's face.

Ashe's inhabited a military organization since she was twelve. These guys have nothing on the food fights you get on the Hunter cantina!]

[mistaken_for_monster]

"Bwack-!"

[Shun takes the hit and lands on the ground with an unceremonious thud whilst flailing, his followers quickly gather around him like knights around their fallen king. Clearly they were no match for Ashe! Shun flails his arm as he weakly wipes some of the cake away.]

"Lo! I have fallen! Carry on without me my brothers!"

[And he's just going to continue hamming it up before a jelly donut landed on his head - though it was a very light toss that sent it at him, the contents of the donut leaked right down his nose. Volya hesitantly peeked over and waved.]

"...I take that back. WE SHALL REDOUBLE OUR EFFORTS TO DEFEAT BOTH ALKAEV AND HIS MIGHTY SISTER! TO ME!"

[The kendoka were outmatched, but that didn't mean they weren't going to give their best. Of course unnoticed behind them were members of the Engineering Club, doing their best to sneak one of their member's projects onto the scene - that being a small catapult. Large enough to launch a number of pastries at once, small enough to be moved by three people! Volya promptly blanched at the sight of it.]

Ashe!

[booty_chaser]

[In stark contrast with Volya's blanching, Ashe looks like a kid with an early Christmas present]

Finally getting serious, are we? [She sounds positively gleeful as she says this, before turning to Volya and whispering]

I'll run a distraction. We'll need another canvas, six pies, and a couple of those big pallet knive things they use to cut the cakes. Can you get those while I keep them busy? [The hunter winks conspiratorially before jumping out again, running and dodging and keeping attention to herself]

[mistaken_for_monster]

...Should I get the raspberry ones then? Nevermind. Dumb question.

[Volya did his best not to sound like he'd rather wait this out and quickly scampered while keeping his head low. Best part about someone his size and build at this age was that he could probably get by unnoticed in this chaos with Ashe making a big damn show of herself and managing to attract several other members from various clubs into trying to tag her with something whilst simultaneously duking it out with each other.]

Cake cutter, where are the pies...

[Snagging a trio of fruit pies, two rather sad looking creams and a rather princely looking custard as well, Volya grabbed a canvas and rushed towards Ashe. However...]

"PULL!"

[The Catapult just fired, causing Volya to skid to a halt, nearly stumble and dodge wildly in a panic!]

2

[tiger_ken]

Tiger Arts: Musabori Kiba!

[A sudden flash of light! The roar of a tiger from seemingly nowhere! And behold, the airborne pastries of doom are met by a surge of power that rips them to shreds!]



Dear, that's cheating!

[And then there's a dull squelch as Ryuko flings a cheesecake at her husband's head.]

Ken's friends must stand for themselves!



It was just a little help!

[Tora responds to his wife's attack by kicking up a table, and with shrivelled soufflés flung into the air, then kicks those towards his spouse. She dodges about the room, leaving any poor sap behind her at risk of a soufflé to a stomach - and not in the proper way!]



Help... me...!

[Oh, and there's Ken. Absolutely [i]buried[/i] in sauces, creams and various types of risen flour, like some kind of patisserie's Frankenstein's monster. He's hidden behind a turned over row of chairs.]

[mistaken_for_monster]

[Volya only has time to keep his head low and keep moving. Oh he really REALLY does not want to be around when the Foreign Culture Club finds out whose parents just sent their souffles all over the place regardless of their quality... then again.... Volya snaps out of his visions of well earned and justified revenge to quickly hand over the spoils to Ashe to weaponize, giving a quick glance at the Torao family.]

Everything just got so much crazier....

[As for Ken... he'd hear a low creak coming from one of the tables next to him followed by a yelp. He'd feel an avalanche of Chocolate Lava cakes splatter all over him. Some were cool, some were warm... some were very unpleasantly hot as they broke open over his battered form.]

"JIRO! Stop flipping tables! We're losing more ammunition than we've gained cover!"

"I'm sorry! Ken-Senpai's parents crazy ninja powers startled me Miss Club Secretary Ma'am!!"

"...Misaki-chan's really got you on a leash hasn't she Jiro?"

"TARO! STOP TALKING! MORE THROWING! WE WILL ACHIEVE VICTORY FOR THE STUDENT'S COMPARATIVE DEFENSIVE THEOLOGY STUDY GROUP!!

"UNDERSTOOD MADAM CLUB SECRETARY! THROWING PASTRIES NOW!"

[Jiro mutters something about hipocrisy before lazily overhand tossing a cupcake over the makeshift cover of the table. It lands on Ken's head.]

[booty_chaser]

[Ashe looks at the two ninjas sternly from her position atop a table]

Hey! You two! Using powers is cheating! A food fight has to be fought without special advantages! [She herself has very conspicuously not made use of any of her many transformations or gadgets, after all. It seems Ashe takes food fighting very seriously]

[booty_chaser]

[Then Volya arrives with the materials needed, and Ashe's grin returns]

Awesome. Cover me, this is going to be great.

[Bundling everything Volya bought into the canvas like an ammo bag, Ashe suddenly snaps to movement in a dead run towards the catapult while the engineers desperately try to crank it... but it's way too late. Ashe irrupts into their position like a whirlwind, neutralizing the two people at the crank with a pair of cream bagels to the schnoz, shoving the cake knives into the torque mechanism and then hitting it to let go - with herself on top of the catapult platter.

With the knives in there, the catapult can't complete the arc to launch horizontally, andso it launches Ashe in an upward diagonal above the enemy's fortifications, fast enough for people to barely have time to register what the hell is happening...

PLAFPLAFSQUELCHPLOFPLAFBLGH

...before Ashe spins and swings her ammo bag as she zooms past, turning the entire frontline into a horrible killzone of custard and souffle]

[mistaken_for_monster]

[And Volya is just going to watch because DAMN, what a massacre. Wait... Did that last one hit the Principal?! No wait, now the old man's hamming it up like it was a war movie, with the history teacher limping like how a five year old would think a limp would work as he tried to drag the head educator to safety - a long smear of custard trailing behind them.]

Wow.

[There was a light cough off to the side as a somewhat souffle splattered teenager dressed in a martial artist's attire calmly flicked some off her shoulder and held out a baguette to Volya.]

...Huh?

[He took the bread... a mistake to be sure as she had another in hand, took two steps back and pointed hers at the Russian.]

"Thank you for accepting my duel request."

Wait... DUEL-?! YEEEEK!

[And now he was duelling. With bread.]

ASHE! HELP!

[Volya's duelling partner whistles sharply as several similarly dressed students form a wall and hurl a variety of tarts and cupcakes at Ashe!]

3

[empress_without_a_throne]

Well...

[Mizuki swallowes nervously and shrugs.]

She is a plant...

[mistaken_for_monster]

...Mizuki... did you have anything to do with this?

[empress_without_a_throne]

... A little, yes.

It certainly saved everyone the need to go out and get a tree, didn't it?

[mistaken_for_monster]

[Volya sighs before giving Interitus a smile.]

Yeah... I guess it did. Its just a little weird is all.

"Thhhbthhhht"

No 'Teritus, they aren't going to have a Miss Macross Christmas Contest so you can try again. I know you look good now but they'd need time to set a contest up and you probably wouldn't fit on the stage.

"Thbthhtht."

Maybe one day.

[He pats his partner on a toe.]

"...Thhhbthht?"

No I still have no idea where to find you a boyfriend. So please stop asking that question. And no I won't get you one for Christmas. I'm pretty sure relationships don't work like that.

[SAD POUT PLANT MONSTER.]